Thanks for reading this. Thank you for loving someone who is trying so hard to be better every day. Writing and sharing is the easiest way for me to authentically show you the shadow sides of me in hopes you can gain something from my lessons. If there is anything in your life that you aren't OK with, you can change it. I love you.
2 Western Doctors
2 Psychic Mediums
1 Ayurvedic Doctor
2 Physical Therapists
No Alcohol for 2 years
No Sugar Diet
3 Self-Help Books
Begging God to take me out of my misery
None of those were the cure, but they gave me insight to the world of healing and how everything Mind, Body, and Spirit connects. I learned about all different types of medicine and was exposed to many different wonderful people. This was all after waking up one morning in 2007 at St. John’s, Manhattan Campus, and I could not bend down to put my pants on. I fought through it. I didn’t stay home from school. I limped to the shuttle and I mentioned how weird it was that I couldn’t bend down in passing. Yea I was really concerned with not being able to move out of terrible pain. I really valued my own well-being clearly. I went about my day and life and just figured it would get better. It didn’t.
By summer break the pain in my back had changed to a shooting pain down the side of my leg. I tried to ignore it. I never mentioned it. I assumed it would go away. Yea body crying shooting pains will just disappear noted. I didn’t take action until one day one of my friends looked me dead in the face and told me I was the laziest person he had ever met. I was shocked because that’s one thing I’m not. I asked why and he explained because everywhere we went I would always sit down. I would always find a place to sit. HAHAHA I would though, bike rack, tree stump, curbs, sprinkler system, small ass window sill, whatever I could find. That was actually the first time I ever mentioned my pain since the first day. I told him it was because I had a really bad pain in my leg and I needed to rest. He understood and at that moment I decided I should tell my mom and go to the doctor. I went and they did an MRI. I had 2 herniated disks in my back. Cool shit. They gave me the options of pain killers (with my addictive personality I knew I’d be hooked for life), surgery (um I was in the prime of my going out years I wasn’t trying to be laid up esp. in the summer), or physical therapy. I took the later. Around this time I was poppin’ Ibuprofen like peanuts at a baseball game. I didn’t give a fuck that they weren’t working. The physical therapist gave me this big ass brace to wear and it actually helped a lot then it didn’t. So back to square one, I really still believed it would just go away. I was 22.
After I immersed myself in the wonderful world of healing and metaphysical I started to look deeper at my issue. By this time it had changed the way I lived. I had been going to different doctors for answers, but no one seemed to have a solution. I changed my lifestyle, still nothing. It was part of everything I did. I stopped participating in social events because I was afraid there would be nowhere to sit. I didn’t want to go to amusement parks and walk. I stopped wearing heels. Most days I would just go straight home after work to just sit down. As a facilitator it would take everything in me to stand all day and be enthusiastic. I started living a life of survival. I would even stay late at work because I was dreading the walk to the train. It was all so frustrating I would just lay in bed after work and cry. I even started to convince myself I didn’t like going places. I didn’t. I was always in pain and my patience was short and I was constantly working on managing the pain instead of enjoying the moment. I even dreaded standing in weddings. Everything took a great amount of effort just to participate in, including life. Feeling like I had exhausted all options I started praying to die in my sleep. I would beg to die instead of waking up and going through another day in pain. He ain’t listen. I would stand on the train platform and think about jumping, but I was never sure the speed would be right to actually kill me so I didn’t risk just being mangled and left in worse condition than I started and alive nonetheless. I would also think of how it would affect my friend s’ who commute via train, and how messy it would be for the MTA staff. I decided to stick to begging the Lord to take me in my sleep.
I was this different person. I was impatient, irritable, and sad. I thought for a moment I’d have to quit my job because I didn’t want to have to stand. I would ask myself, how can I have kids or go on hikes because it’s hard enough to just walk and carry myself through life let alone under strenuous conditions. Fuck.
Then one day I decided something. Changing my lifestyle to accommodate a suckass condition was not the move. Heels or no heels this shit was excoriating so why not look good. I didn’t quit my job because if I stopped focusing on it then maybe it would go away. If any of the few people who knew about the issue would ask I would just say it was great. The 'ol speaking it into existence trick. Plus, I didn’t want to have anyone feeling sorry for me. This kind of worked. I still had really terrible days and I had to drag myself most places with a smile on but I refused to surrender. I knew there was something that would work.
By this time I was very aware that all physical dis-ease and imbalance is a result of a mental and or emotional issue. I just couldn’t figure out what the issue was. I started going to therapy in hopes there was some trauma I had suppressed. I could just identify and release it and my back would be cured. This whole time I am talking about my lower back but the pain is really all in my leg. The ‘ol leg folks. Therapy didn’t cure shit but I damn sure uncovered some other issues about myself. So now I’m still in pain and all my little issues are scattered on the table. I’m stuck. All the way out here son.
Now here we are. This leg pain lead me to try numerous therapies, explore my inner self, and gain a better understanding of me. It also helped me identify what I really value in life, and those are the simple joys of standing in a kitchen cooking a meal and feeling excited, taking walks to just feel the sunshine, going to the gym after work, taking lunch instead of sitting at my desk all day in pain, etc. Life is about enjoying it in a state of comfort and freedom. That shit is a huge gift in itself because so many of us exist through pain, discomfort, and disease. I became so frustrated with myself because I feel very strongly that we all create our own realities and I didn’t know how I had created such a shit show for myself. It was hard not to be angry with myself all the time. Ewww.
So the catalyst of me sharing all of this is that I have finally found the CAUSE of the issue and I’m addressing it but on my way to finding the answer I have made so many other self-discoveries and to be honest I wasn’t seeking any of them. Some, I wish I would have been spared from because now I know I’m type insane and I wasn’t ready for all that. I still gotta live with myself, zamn zaddy.
I was lead to the root of the issue by way of this good fella I like to call the UNIVERSE. It’s often I listen to podcasts during my commute and one was having a Shaman on to do readings for callers. I thought it was interesting because there are always messages for us in other’s lessons. I listened and he mentioned he did work for free. Well fuckin’ right on man! I contacted him and we set up a call. I’ll spare you the details because they are hella personal but he brought up issues I never realized were issues. You know when something, albeit fucked up, seems normal to you because you didn’t know any different? Yea, that happened a lot and I had just buried all these emotions and in turn created this huge belief there was a lack of support in my life. Any issues dealing with the lower back are an indication of you feeling lack of support somewhere in your life. I felt that for a very long time and created huge barriers that didn’t even allow for anyone to get close to show me different. In fact I had been making it impossible for anyone to be supportive because I already had the idea in my head that this was the case so no matter who was there or what they did my reality wouldn’t have changed. Whatever situations are happening in your life are a direct result of how you believe things to be for yourself. Know that. You are completely in control. Of everything.
So currently I am aware of the cause and working daily to release the old beliefs I’ve been carrying with me. The biggest part of releasing these emotions that have caused physical pain for so long is forgiveness. The Shaman gave me actions to take in working on this and I have been going hard. Awareness is the first step. The past full week has been one of huge self-growth and becoming aware of the parts of me that are not the most desirable but I am at the point I am grateful for the pain because without it I would have never ever dug this deep and be healed this completely in order to live a life beyond my dreams. I can now see how guarded I have been and how strongly I have been holding myself back from so many wonderful experiences. It was like my subconscious was so strong in feeling isolated and unsupported that my reality was like ohhhh you like being alone eh? You like to be shut in eh? Well we’ll make it easier on ya pal. And my physical reality became just that. CHRIST YO! But now I’m on the other side of all this. I’m 31 now so 9 years in the making G. This shit has consumed me every day. Imagine how fire my projects are about to be now that I’m not dreading my existence?
I’m sharing this in case there is any dis-ease in you that you haven’t had the courage and or motivation to explore. I am here for all of it, if you ever decide to. I’ll give you the name of my Shaman, haha.
This healing got me like....