It's day 8 of 2018 and day 4 of my Lotus Theory journey. First, off MY new year is in the spring when new life comes about not on some freezing dark night on the Gregorian calendar. *mmm MMM*
I didn't start this journey now on some new year's resolution. I started it b/c I was finally ready emotionally to let someone HELP me with my fitness goals.
It has taken me 19 long ass years to be able to accept help when it comes to weight loss. See I was about 13 when I first became aware of my body in the sense of feeling "fat" - I remember the EXACT place I was standing, what I was wearing, and what was said to me that changed the way I saw myself and measured my worth for literally the last 19 years. - That's a story for another day but, like most it came from someone very close to me who "didn't mean anything by it".
During the last 19 years my concern for my body size/weight/shape has often CONSUMED me.
I mean how much time and energy do you honestly spend -changing clothes b/c of the way they hug your body, choosing, or not choosing, meals based on weight loss goals, thinking about how people are perceiving your body/image, starving yourself, exercising - not for pleasure or expression or stress relief but to lose weight-, throwing up, hiding in pictures, nervous about someone passing judgement, scared to meet someone in person, thinking you'd be happier, more popular, more loved if you were thinner? THE FUCKING LIST GOES ON. That shit is TIME and ENERGY draining af.
I realized this years ago. That I spent the majority of my time focusing on my body image whether I was conscious of it or not. I thought about how much more time and energy I'd have to focus on things I never noticed b/c I was too preoccupied with trying to hide myself.
I decided a couple years ago to stop all dieting. I mean I had essentially been on a "diet" since I was in fucking middle school. My "diets" consisted of bulimia, anorexia, diet pills, or some other unhealthy ass extreme way to lose weight so I could feel good about myself. I went to the gym for years faithfully working out on 2 herniated disks. Yes! I clearly hated myself at least half way. The key to happiness all hung in the balance of my weight. Instead of working on my confidence and self love I abused myself in secret. Until I decided that was enough. I mean Jesus, I'd been on a diet MOST of my fucking life and clearly that shit wasn't working. So I stopped.
I actually decided to just change my mindset and the way I saw and loved myself. It worked. Really well and I slimmed down. But, even that took effort and I was still hyper aware of my appearance.
Eventually, I stopped putting effort into that practice and gained weight again and ate everything I could find. I even got alarmingly addicted to fruity candy this summer (other factors played a role in this freakishly strong very real addiction but STILL!) This was my way of breaking free from the oppression. I was learning to eat, anything, without feeling bad about it. There really are levels to this shit.
I got too comfortable and I started to see myself fall back into unhealthy ways of balancing my shitty eating with weight loss.
I planned on doing something about it. I weened myself off gummy bears and sour patch kids. I tried to make healthier choices (sometimes) and I was going to the gym. I was just really loving being one of those people who didn't care. after 18 years of being hella conscious of everything I ate I was finally enjoying food.
-The more I write the more fucked up this all sounds.
Fast forward to Early December when I met up with one of my very best homegirls who happens to be the beauty, brains, and badass behind Lotus Theory. She offered to train me and create a meal plan. NOW HONEY.....We used to live together and I would literally leave town every time she held a bootcamp. 1. My back couldn't take physical activity at the time and 2. I was just really not ready to have someone help me with my weightloss/fitness goals.
See asking for or accepting help to lose weight meant that someone would have to acknowledge AND agree that I needed to lose weight. My whole cover would be blown (hahaha). I mean I had been keeping this H U G E secret for so long. Suffering, shaming, and abusing myself in the shadows for so long that I would never have been able to have this discussion without being offended.
Blessed be I'm in a space of healing and I've done the work, oh weeee have I done the mufuckin' work, that has gotten me to a place to be able to EVEN DISCUSS my weight-loss goals let alone take help from someone.
So my dear friend, knowing she had to be extra gentile with my fragile ass, said she was offering it, "no pressure, just think about it." I thought about it every day. I thought I was ready to really open up about my ways, my demons, my suffering. You see, that is what this all has been for me. It's never about 20lbs it's about worthiness. The reason I wanted to work with Justine and Lotus Theory was because of her approach.
See, she has this formula:
S² + L² = BAL
SERENITY + STRENGTH + LOVE + LIFE = BALANCE
The Lotus Theory formula achieves comprehensive holistic health by incorporating emotional, mental and physical treatments into a single formula. The formula embodies several different fundamental needs that we can bring into our daily routines and as a result will assist us with leading healthier lifestyles. It is designed as a tool for clients to have the opportunity to create their own unique formula for embracing more peace and balance in their lives and placing them on a path of self-awareness.
I have been in awe of this since she came up with it. I also knew I NEEDED that.
I decided to do something different this time. Break the cycle of insanity. Be open. Allow help. Be honest. Be vulnerable. Be proud. Yea Yea Yea - Trust me I get tired of doing the work too but it's so worth it!
So it's day 4 and tbh I had a rocky start. It's weird being accountable to someone. See if I "fucked up" before I didn't have to share it with anyone. I could silently start tomorrow. This time I had to be open and honest and brave to say "Hey so I was supposed to have started this Monday but today (Wednesday) is really my first day." - THAT WAS SO WEIRD to have to say but it was bc I felt shame not bc she gave a fuck. I had to let go of these hard rules I've places on myself for so long.
Everyday I have learned something new about myself and yes bitch it's only day FOUR of 90. *Looks in the mirror and asks why I always gotta be on some growth bullshit*
A few things working with Justine has made me aware of....
1. I had really been slippin'. Not enough water, not enough fruits and veggies. Bitch, straight up, NOT ENOUGH nourishment.
2. I had been neglecting my physical fitness in a major way.
3. My man is much better at meal prep than me.
4. I hadn't been actual grocery shopping in about 2 months (prob longer) *busts shots* *screams* BODEGA LIFE!!!
5. I had a real addiction to bagels with cream cheese.
6. I have no real routine anymore. Since joining team No Alarms there hasn't been much structure for me day to day.
7. I AM NOT ASHAMED TO ASK FOR HELP WHEN IT COMES TO MY HEALTH AND BODY GOALS!
8. Food really does have it's own vibration and what I eat truly affects my mood.
9. Whatever I THOUGHT I was doing in the gym, wasn't shit compared to what this beast trainer has me doing. BUT I LIIIIIIIIKE THE PAIN!!!!! I LIIIIIKE THE MISERY!!! - Method Man and Jean Claude Van Dam
10. It's fun to be the student. To not really be the one in charge in this relationship. It's fun to be extra and text her asking if she knows of any "cookies without sugar, butter, or salt" - it's really fun to not have to know it all and hold it down.
11. Your intuition will tell you when it is the right time. Don't force anything. The tools will appear when you are ready.
One of the main goals I have is to be able to do 2 pull-ups by the end of this. I know that the next phase of my life will require me to be physically stronger and more confident. I'm healing and strengthening myself in order to live a better quality of life, not to lose weight so I will be "easier to love" (deadass I used to really think that).
Life is wild babe. We out here glõ'in' UP!!! Together. I'll keep you posted on this journey and even show my before pics - NO, for real when I tell you I'm ALL in, I'm ALL IN! - After I look fine as hell and have the 'after' pic to go along with it. Baby steps.