Damn. I mean where do I even begin. Ok I’ll begin here….
I really thought for all that’s gone down in the last 3 ½ months I’d be way skinnier. I mean when you are dealing with stress, anxiety, struggle meals, pressure, hanging on by an actual threadness, on a constant basis you’d think life could at least shave off a few LBs but nah.
I’d like to unpack the events of the last few months for a few reasons:
A good ol’ reminder that nobody here has shit figured out.
Sharing is therapeutic for me.
Inspiration and empowerment.
I truly enjoy hearing about others lives and really hearing about it not having to read between the lines so here are the details.
Saves me from telling this story over and over.
I knew things were going to be changing and evolving as they normally do in my life because I actively pursue growth and healing. What’s the point of incarnating here in this “school” to take it easy? The part of life that makes this all worth it to me is the part where I’m healing trauma passed through DNA, past lives, karma, manifesting my wildest dreams, using my talents out loud, etc. I’m an extremist so you already know I go hard for all things next level, but I feel I really took it to the next level with this last stint and I’m not proud of it, I appreciate where it’s taken me, but I also am a bit surprised I’m here to talk about it. I have experienced a very intense spiritual awakening and epiphany that I ABSOLUTELY brought on myself but like I said before, damn.
In the beginning of December 2018 I was exhausted, overworked, overwhelmed, excited, underpaid, and hopeful. I had been working so hard! My freelance workload had quadrupled (holiday season corporate and private event booking is no joke) and I was involved in a big new venture with partners that had me in a whole new clinical sector in the wellness world. I was burning the candle at both ends to keep up. One day after a particularly weird meeting that I chalked up to “normal level weirdness” with my freelance position I got a request from my boss to have an additional phone meeting the next morning. Naturally I just KNEW she was going to give me some sort of holiday bonus because the numbers spoke for themselves I was holding it DOWN! Well I “knew” wrong. So wrong haha - she fired me. (UGH I WANT TO SAY SOOO MUCH MORE HERE ABOUT THIS SITUATION but that’s only because I still feel betrayed and violated and mad af about how it went down and I’m healing it so there’s no need to go there as bad as I wanna...mmm...just...wooo child. fuck.)
So I’m fired. For the first time. Ever. From anything. No warning, no indication, just fired. I call my boyfriend and I text my best. I told him I’m cool because I mean, I am what the hell else can I do? Fuck it, I didn’t love that job, it was my bread and butter, but abundance has nothing to do with work so I mean more room for magic. Plus I was in shock, embarrassed, scared, and also knew this was part of a Divine plan. I know everything is always working out for me even when it seems like it’s all going to shit and I had to keep on keepin’ on. Nonetheless I was thinking, ‘ok this is some bullshit and fuck them but I have bigger things to work on.’ I was actually so deep into this other opportunity that I didn’t have the capacity to look for work to supplement my income. I was busting my ass like never before and working on a major submission, like 25 page clinical paper ass busting, and I didn’t have time to job hunt or go on any interviews - pretending I wanted to go work for another company and help build them up just for them to throw me scraps so I could eat. Soooo I decided I’d make it work I’d figure it out. I could stretch my money until February at least and by then I was SURE there would be a major big boss money bags opportunity on the table.
I cut corners, every meal was a struggle meal, I rationed my beauty supplies, I stopped getting services, I didn’t buy new anything, but I kept on like things were cool. I didn’t have the strength to talk about being fired because I was scared and really sad and angry and drowning in work. Christmas came and went, my birthday came and went. I used all extra money for food and rent. I was working day and night to stay afloat. I was working myself to almost a manic state. I remember at one point I hadn’t gone outside or showered for 4 days (no, deadass 4 days) and I got a little worried for myself. I had a real conversation with me. I wasn’t sleeping well and I was surviving through a depression at this point. I didn’t have any days off and I felt I had no time to take a breather. I felt like if I kept working something had to happen. I was physically and emotionally working every moment to “make something happen”..pppfttt hahaha. As I was meeting major deadlines with this project I was also delivering food from the time I woke up until about 9 or 10 every night. Bruh...I was in the THICC of it. I started working as a Door Dash delivery lady to make ends meet. I had rent/utilities, car payment, and insurance to pay for at the least. My other bills could wait and they did because I didn’t have money for a sandwich so my cc was just going to have to chill.
See during this process I was stripped of my routine and all the daily luxuries I was so accustomed to. I wasn’t buying lemons and herbs for my morning hot water, I barely had shampoo and conditioner, my laundry was a luxury fam. And that’s what made the whole thing even harder. I didn’t have the foundation to even be pushing myself to the limit like this but I felt I had no other option. I had to keep going, fueled by water.
I was also in a position that I had to get comfortable with receiving. I’ve never had my rent or any bills paid by a man. I prided myself on being independent and as I learned a lot of my confidence came from “having my shit together” - I mean I’m not one of those womxn who actually does, but for all intensive purposes I did. I could provide for myself. I’d go to my girls for extra cash and pay them back the next week. No man was ever going to see me sweat. - I could have asked my parents for help but that came with a whole other piece of me dying so I leaned into my relationship like never before. My man was by my side LITERALLY every step (multiple days we’d be in the car together 11 hours straight). He would drive me while I was delivering food and doing an hour conference call at the same time. He didn’t beef when I had been driving around the city (bitch, let me tell you delivering food in the city is a HELL of a ride) and I would come home at 10pm and pull out my computer to work until 3am. He would zelle me money for my rent and pay for my dinner. He was holding me DOWN, and I felt unattractive as a muv (I learned so much about myself). I remember seeing a meme saying “If you got a man why aren’t your nails done?” and haha yea funny, chuckle, chuckle, but I thought “because he’s paying my fucking rent!!!” - hell no my nails weren’t done. NOTHING was done. Any extra money I got was going to proper nourishment. I’m not exaggerating. I was ok though! I was doing this all for a much bigger purpose and opportunity that was just a month away. I knew it would all be worth it and I’d have this raw story to tell in the end.
Sidenote - I, as well as my relationship were under an extreme amount of stress. Living so marginally does all kinds of things to your psyche and of course my man and I got in fights, my personality wasn’t exactly bubbly. I couldn’t offer him the simple luxuries I used to. I couldn’t even offer him my focus and good conversation. I was obsessed with getting out of this situation I’d created for myself. I didn’t really know who I was outside of my daily routine and the freedom to express myself through material goods. When we’d argue it took even more energy and I didn’t have shit to give. Everything felt so delicate and stressful. I didn’t have moments of relaxation because every move I made was connected to my survival. To have gone through that very much in front of the one person you want to look good for is an extremely humbling experience. One that our relationship almost didn’t make it through.
Welp, you guessed it. Didn’t go as planned. Basically the big major project my partners and I were going for fell through (just like every other opportunity we worked for together, but that’s an investigation for another day). See though, it fell through AFTER we got the most amazing news of our lives that WE GOT IT! So for 2 days I was overjoyed! I was relieved and excited and so looking forward to the MAJOR waves we were about to make and how beautifully this handsome bag would change my life! It was all worth it. Everything made sense and then it didn’t.
When I got the news that the project had been taken away I was on one hand slightly relieved and really excited to see what BETTER could be coming, as well as relieved about a few other factors, but mostly what I felt was embarrassment, disappointment, rage, sadness, confusion, and devastation. I went from working on this major project, seeing the pot of gold, and making ends meet by being a delivery lady to a delivery lady. When I got that news there was nothing left. Now nothing made sense. I didn’t have ANYTHING left to give and here I was. I couldn’t take a personal day, I had no sick time, there was no cushion or relief. I had to take the L and keep going.
There was supposed to be a happy ending. I remember getting the call and just breaking down. I was also in the middle of a shift and had a delivery at Wendy’s on Jamaica Ave in Queens. This is not a place you would go into on purpose. I got out of my car, legs giving out, stopped to cry, took a deep breath, walked into this packed, loud, busy Wendy’s to order someone else’s food while I’m living off 1 meal a day, standing in line crying because I can’t control it and this is all I am in the moment - A delivery lady who had no idea how I would survive. I had no job title or affiliation to connect my identity to. I didn’t have anything material to boost my ego and attach my identity to. I was at the lowest point of my life and I didn’t trust myself to get me out. After all, I’d gotten myself here with the most genuine intentions and here was no place I wanted or thought I’d be.
The days that followed were filled with lots and lots of delivering - I still had rent to pay - anywhere from 3 - 5 emotional breakdowns a day, extremely low confidence, asking to be taken from this life, waking up in the middle of the night to be angry and sad and cry myself to sleep, I found relief in fantasizing how good it would feel to be dead and not have to deal with any of these circumstances I had created for myself, etc. I meeeean it was an extremely dark time. - (If you know the relief in understanding you have a choice to continue on or not you know and it can be extremely empowering, especially when you choose to go on) - I couldn’t control my sadness. I cried when I woke up, would have a few spontaneous bursts in the car throughout the day, and would cry myself to sleep. It was so uncontrollable and most of the time I was in the presence of my boyfriend. Ugh! Here I am at my lowest (and I been dealt with some shit so this was serious) and I had a damn audience. I found myself doing things to subconsciously push him away and when I realized it I gave serious thought about just cutting him loose because he didn’t deserve to deal with this and, shit I was embarrassed. I didn’t want to see anyone I just wanted to get through this somehow and forget it ever happened. I wanted to crawl in a hole and mourn everything or suffocate. As long as he was around I couldn’t disappear he saw me every day. That man rode out with my every single day through it all and never once made a comment, joke, or eluded to leaving as tough as it was to go through this in front of him. Just all out there raw and bare and stripped of everything, I knew that it would be ridiculous to give up on my love to save my ego. So one day in the midst of all this. I apologized to him for the way I’d been acting. I let him know that I realized what I was doing and I knew how stupid if would be for me to sabotage my beautiful relationship because of my current circumstances. A part of me believed it would get better and a part of me had absolutely no faith in myself to find my way home, but the last thing I wanted to do was burn the entire house down bc the kitchen caught on fire.
I just didn’t get it. I had worked my ask-hole off. I had the best intentions. I was doing everything to manifest what I wanted. I was being positive. I was grateful all the time. I was doing the “action.” I was giving EVERYTHING I had. I didn’t understand why this was happening. I lost all trust in myself and I was filled with rage at however the hell shit works in this Universe. How did I get myself HERE. Why was I here?
Stay tuned because this is where all the revelations and epiphanies and magikal stuff starts to happen!