Here I am 7 week removed from the final fall and about 5 weeks post depression and rock bottom.
Now I know not everyone will understand my extreme emotions here and I’d like to give you insight on who I am so you can get a better idea as to where I was mentally and emotionally. Once you understand where I was and the type of self awareness I have you’ll get how deeply these epiphanies hit.
I am a Capricorn with moons in Capricorn which basically means career and title are very important to me. I have an extremely strong work ethic and often get wrapped up in my tasks finding it difficult to step away. I feel a high and fulfillment from accomplishing goals and had attached my worthiness as a human to what I had and could accomplish. I’ve been on my own since 19. It’s year 13 as a single woman living in New York City without any family around. I pride myself on being an example and an inspiration to anyone doing anything different with their life. I have consistently lived outside the lines often through disapproving and confused stares from those I want respect and approval from the most.
So there I was. Waking to the reality of shambles. I’d cocoon into the covers every morning and keep my eyes closed for as long as possible once I woke up, to shave as many uncomfortable moments as possible off the day. Like I said I was very low on resources and had run out of my extras like some of the oils I’d use or the other ingredients to make my own products. I wasn’t pampering myself and in that went my routine. I wasn’t doing the normal things that made me feel strong and healthy. It took every ounce of energy in me to simply get out of bed. My self care routine had dwindled to hoping I drink enough water in the day. -sidenote: driving all day to random restaurants and homes and offices will really put peeing into perspective. There aren’t a lot of public bathrooms (even at restaurants) in New York. I feel like my NY ladies know that! So I found myself rationing water because finding a place and time to pee is so inconvenient. Yes! I was in full survival damn mode! I kept trying to remember things that were happening because I knew they’d be important details to tell you so you could REALLY feel me. This experience was somewhat out of body. There are a few reasons this felt surreal.
The whole time this is happening I have this deep understanding that when major shifts come things can tend to seem like they’re falling apart. That’s your old life clearing away for the new life. You know the saying “You’re new life will cost you your old life.” ? Thaaaasssit! I knew it was happening but I didn’t understand why it was so difficult. I know there are millions of paths so why was I on such a rough one? Not only rough but it seemed like a lot of the tools I’d use to get through a stressful time weren’t available (I know there’s a magikal explanation). Like, I didn’t hear a peep from Guinevere, I lost my crystal bracelets, I ran out of oils, I didn’t have money to buy new luxuries. I was in the darkness and extremely bare along with it. I was also beating myself up crazy for manifesting these circumstances. I despised me more and more each day. I could feel myself succumbing to the pressure. I just didn’t see any light. I didn’t have the strength to reach out to anyone so that’s why this next part was so ill.
The more and more things seemed to slip away the more and more grateful I became for what was still there. Understand that gratitude and positivity are not one in the same. I was fucked up, angry and low vibrational to say the least and I was the most grateful I’d ever been in my life. I knew that gratitude raises your vibration and allows you to appreciate what is so what will be can form. I knew I didn’t want to be HERE anymore and one thing I could do was thank where I was so I could move on. For the first time in my life I cried tears of joy when I COULD pay my rent. I no longer HAD to pay. I GOT to pay. I was ABLE to pay. I was proud of myself and my whole ass team. Don’t get it twisted. There was a whole ass team of people dragging me through this experience and you’re included. From the beautiful souls that lent me money, or created opportunities for me to work for them, or cooked a meal for me, or sent me words of encouragement, or checked up on me, or told me they were there for me, or reminded me of my courage to you reading this right now, THANK YOU. See I got through this because of my community. PERIDOT. I didn’t get through this by any other means.
What I mean by that is I remember one day distinctively that turned it all around. It was a Saturday about 4 pm. I had dropped my man off to get a hair cut and was on my way to Pizza Hut to pick up an order. I couldn’t wait for him to get far enough away from the car I could scream. I started to drive away and I screamed “FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK” as loud as I could and damn it felt good. I went real deep for the next one I took a huge breath in all the way into the deepest parts of my sacral chakra, expanding and letting another “FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK” rip. I did this about 3 more times until I had no fucks left to give (ha!). I then just started repeating “help me" over and over crying, begging, just done. Ahhh getting choked up writing about this.
All along I was very aware that I had two choices and that was it. One, to end it. Two, to pull myself out of this. There was no option to stay where I was. I wouldn’t survive. I couldn’t sustain the stress. And as I explored it and really contemplated, option 1, I realized the impact of my suicide would cause more trauma and heartbreak than I’d ever ever want karma for, plus I wasn’t positive I had the balls to do it. So off the table it went. I still found relief in fantasizing about it all being over but I wasn’t acting. I didn’t want to die I just wanted things to be different and I had NO idea how it would happen. - Funny thing, when my best would ask me how I was I’d often share with her that I had no desire to go on and as reassuring as I was about not having a plan off myself I’m sure it wasn’t comfortable for her. HAHAHA omg I laugh now because I have a v dark sense of humor and I thinking about how strange and uncomfortable it was for her. I love you girl.
Now I’ve just completely surrendered. I’ve asked for help and I’ve cleared bottled emotion. What do you think happens next? Of course. Help arrives! Help arrived in the form of my homegirls hitting me up and checking on me. Like I said I was very transparent about where I was. I had no energy for masks. I didn’t have energy to reach out to anyone but I would engage with anyone who hit me up.
I kept getting suggestions to talk to one of my old teachers. You may have heard me speak about her before. We met while I was living in Chitown and she is the one who introduced me to the spiritual path int he capacity I know it today.
I was reluctant to speak with her because I was so angry and I wasn’t sure I could trust anyone’s help I couldn’t trust my own damn help. But, as signs and energy go, my best was visiting with Mel and of course I came up. She asked what was going on with me because I’d been on her mind for weeks. Well you know I couldn’t resist after that strong ass message.
In the next two days I spoke with Mel and one of my dear friends who is a phenomenal friend and therapist, and Guinevere reached out to me. I had asked for help and here it all was.
My conversation with Mel was personal and raw and she really checked my ass. My conversation with Justine was personal and raw and she really checked my ass.
I’m a brick house and if you don’t knock hard I’ll never hear you so I’m most grateful for these strong womxn coming with the strong messages.
Mel’s convo helped clarify these things:
I’m not in control. (OMG this was so major huge for me to finally get. Surrender moment.)
My path is my own. It will not look like anyone else’s.
I’m deepening my healing so I can help others.
Nothing is ever good or bad. We label it.
In life you have a path that you agreed to with the purpose of learning certain lessons and there are hardships your soul agreed to in this lifetime. You aren’t responsible for creating everything.
Spirituality isn’t about manifestation. You don’t just say what you want and manifest it. There are other factors like your life path and everyone isn’t meant to have a mansion or whatever else their ego desires in this lifetime.
Instead of trying to force what’s not working say “Divine Mother and Father, guides, angels, and higher self, all those who know better than me, guide to where I’m most needed, show me what’s best for me.”
Read “It’s Not YOUR Money”
Do things that bring you joy and you’ll be led to abundance.
It’s not about what you want it’s about what you agreed to do in this life.
Justine’s Convo helped clarify these things:
There is nothing to grieve because everything that is happening is what you asked for.
You’re getting everything you wanted. It may not look how you thought it would but it’s happening.
I didn’t really want to be in that job and it showed regardless of how good I thought I was at pretending. I’m a hustler and I’ve made it work and I’m going to continue to make it work.
Put my all into my Vsteam business for at least 2 years before starting anything new.
As you could imagine these conversations gave me my power back! When I asked for help, two of my girls set up my conversation with Mel for me. When I asked for help, I had a conversation with my mom which led me to text Justine which led to our empowering and perspective shifting conversations. When I asked for help Guinevere contacted me and we had a session that helped me to understand what was going on energetically and I received energy healing. When I asked for help, I had an amazing conversation with Sis and he reminded me of how brave I am to be following my own path. When I asked for help, my sister said to keep the $200 I was going to pay her back. When I asked for help, everything began to shift and I experienced a feeling of freedom I didn’t know existed.
From this experience I’ve felt and done things I never imagined I would. I have learned lessons and gained self awareness. I’ve become truly present. My worth no longer rests on anything I will accomplish or have done. I feel worthy just being in the present moment because in trying to survive everything becomes about that exact day. How will I get through the next 24 hours? Then it became how will I survive another minute? In time it became things can shift in an instant. In knowing that and having experienced that I am present in this moment knowing ANYTHING is truly possible for the next moment.
I have truly surrendered to the Divine plan. I am no longer blaming myself or taking credit for every single thing that goes on in my life. I am open and committed to being led for the highest good of myself and the world and so far things have gotten juicier and easier. Not more lavish yet but I’ve learned that I don’t need the lavishness to be happy and fulfilled.
The biggest and most impactful reminder I got while going through all of this is that right now, here, today is not the end. This is the middle. The construction phase. You know when there’s a reno going on, the ol’ upgrade phase, everything looks complicated and messy and seems to make no sense. Renos always seem stressful to home and business owners and it’s a confusing inconvenient time. But just as you get used to it the scaffolding comes down and the beautiful new design is there and just like that with each passing day the old design and the reno is forgotten. What a relief to remember this is the middle! It doesn’t look finished because it’s not and there’s nothing to be ashamed of because you are about to unveil something even more unbelievable than you can imagine.
I hope this wasn’t too scattered but there was so much I wanted to share and still so much more that I feel I’ve left out.
Thank you for reading and supporting and being my friends and my family and being your authentic self regardless of how I’m feeling. I love you.
Where am I now at this moment:
I am feelin’ groovy. I said the prayer Mel suggested and read the book she suggested. I’m open to wherever life is leading me and I trust the Divine plan. The book (It’s Not YOUR Money) has been changing my life and I highly recommend it. I’m slowly coming out of my shell and reaching out to friends and making plans to be more social. The spring weather is uplifting and I’m looking forward to enjoying nature and summer cocktails as I continue to get more financially stable and into a more secure groove. I’m rebuilding my sources of income but I’m doing it on my terms. I’m proud of that. I’m creating a whole new normal and it’s exciting. As I’m preparing to move I’m extra conscious of being grounded and allow myself to let anything that needs to go, go so what needs to come, can come. Booyah! I have a couple events coming up :) I am moving to Queens, in with my boo, from Harlem at the end of this month. That’s a whole other experience list of lessons in itself. I am focused on building my VSteam practice check it out here. In the meantime I’m still a Door Dash driver. Turns out I enjoy it for the most part and it’s hella flexible in between clients plus the Cap in me loves making money instantly. Again, that’s a whole experience and story in itself that I’ll blog about soon. I’m extremely grateful for the pace of my life currently. I’m not in any rush to get anywhere because wherever I’m going is obviously more beautiful than I can imagine because I have no real idea of where that will be. I just know that I am allowing myself to be guided instead of forcing things so it can only be greater than my ego.
I’m open to all questions and comments. Check my IG stories for more updates.