After I immersed myself in the wonderful world of healing and metaphysical I started to look deeper at my issue. By this time it had changed the way I lived. I had been going to different doctors for answers, but no one seemed to have a solution. I changed my lifestyle, still nothing. It was part of everything I did. I stopped participating in social events because I was afraid there would be nowhere to sit. I didn’t want to go to amusement parks and walk. I stopped wearing heels. Most days I would just go straight home after work to just sit down. As a facilitator it would take everything in me to stand all day and be enthusiastic. I started living a life of survival. I would even stay late at work because I was dreading the walk to the train. It was all so frustrating I would just lay in bed after work and cry. I even started to convince myself I didn’t like going places. I didn’t. I was always in pain and my patience was short and I was constantly working on managing the pain instead of enjoying the moment. I even dreaded standing in weddings. Everything took a great amount of effort just to participate in, including life. Feeling like I had exhausted all options I started praying to die in my sleep. I would beg to die instead of waking up and going through another day in pain. He ain’t listen. I would stand on the train platform and think about jumping, but I was never sure the speed would be right to actually kill me so I didn’t risk just being mangled and left in worse condition than I started and alive nonetheless. I would also think of how it would affect my friend s’ who commute via train, and how messy it would be for the MTA staff. I decided to stick to begging the Lord to take me in my sleep.
I was this different person. I was impatient, irritable, and sad. I thought for a moment I’d have to quit my job because I didn’t want to have to stand. I would ask myself, how can I have kids or go on hikes because it’s hard enough to just walk and carry myself through life let alone under strenuous conditions. Fuck.
Then one day I decided something. Changing my lifestyle to accommodate a suckass condition was not the move. Heels or no heels this shit was excoriating so why not look good. I didn’t quit my job because if I stopped focusing on it then maybe it would go away. If any of the few people who knew about the issue would ask I would just say it was great. The 'ol speaking it into existence trick. Plus, I didn’t want to have anyone feeling sorry for me. This kind of worked. I still had really terrible days and I had to drag myself most places with a smile on but I refused to surrender. I knew there was something that would work.
By this time I was very aware that all physical dis-ease and imbalance is a result of a mental and or emotional issue. I just couldn’t figure out what the issue was. I started going to therapy in hopes there was some trauma I had suppressed. I could just identify and release it and my back would be cured. This whole time I am talking about my lower back but the pain is really all in my leg. The ‘ol leg folks. Therapy didn’t cure shit but I damn sure uncovered some other issues about myself. So now I’m still in pain and all my little issues are scattered on the table. I’m stuck. All the way out here son.
Now here we are. This leg pain lead me to try numerous therapies, explore my inner self, and gain a better understanding of me. It also helped me identify what I really value in life, and those are the simple joys of standing in a kitchen cooking a meal and feeling excited, taking walks to just feel the sunshine, going to the gym after work, taking lunch instead of sitting at my desk all day in pain, etc. Life is about enjoying it in a state of comfort and freedom. That shit is a huge gift in itself because so many of us exist through pain, discomfort, and disease. I became so frustrated with myself because I feel very strongly that we all create our own realities and I didn’t know how I had created such a shit show for myself. It was hard not to be angry with myself all the time. Ewww.
So the catalyst of me sharing all of this is that I have finally found the CAUSE of the issue and I’m addressing it but on my way to finding the answer I have made so many other self-discoveries and to be honest I wasn’t seeking any of them. Some, I wish I would have been spared from because now I know I’m type insane and I wasn’t ready for all that. I still gotta live with myself, zamn zaddy.
I was lead to the root of the issue by way of this good fella I like to call the UNIVERSE. It’s often I listen to podcasts during my commute and one was having a Shaman on to do readings for callers. I thought it was interesting because there are always messages for us in other’s lessons. I listened and he mentioned he did work for free. Well fuckin’ right on man! I contacted him and we set up a call. I’ll spare you the details because they are hella personal but he brought up issues I never realized were issues. You know when something, albeit fucked up, seems normal to you because you didn’t know any different? Yea, that happened a lot and I had just buried all these emotions and in turn created this huge belief there was a lack of support in my life. Any issues dealing with the lower back are an indication of you feeling lack of support somewhere in your life. I felt that for a very long time and created huge barriers that didn’t even allow for anyone to get close to show me different. In fact I had been making it impossible for anyone to be supportive because I already had the idea in my head that this was the case so no matter who was there or what they did my reality wouldn’t have changed. Whatever situations are happening in your life are a direct result of how you believe things to be for yourself. Know that. You are completely in control. Of everything.